My inner calling doesn't know how to use her outside voice...

There are dozens, if not hundreds of books out there for those of us who can't seem to hear our inner calling. There's a TED talk about about how some of us may be "multipotentialites." We have so many potential interests we have a hard time settling in on one. So many articles giving us tips and tricks to figure out how to make money doing what we love. Then articles stating the opposite, that doing something we're good at is more important than doing something we love. So much outside noise. Where can we turn when no one seems to have the answer?

When you get no answers from the outside world, your best answer may be to go inside.

I started meditating as a practice, though I wasn't as diligent about is as I wanted to be. I was too busy to fit everything in that I wanted to in a day; or at least that's what I kept saying to myself. It felt like I needed a sign over my forehead that read, "I don't have time for this." Sometimes I would get sucked into working so much that I really didn't have time for other things. Even sleep was losing its time slot.

On the days I got out at a reasonable hour, I would find myself sitting on the couch. No TV. No music. Just sitting. Thoughts would sometimes run through my mind, but sometimes there would be none. I would just sit. And exist. It didn't feel like meditation, though some may classify it as such. It didn't feel helpful or non-helpful. It just was.

Over time I realized that I could get really still, really easily. I could stay calm in many situations and look at things rationally. I could suddenly see things from many different views; I could get outside of myself enough to see things from another's perspective in the most clear way. My empathy grew to a point it was almost impossible to be around anyone negative or hurtful because I felt their energy as if it was my own. Some would ask, "Why would you choose to be around someone negative or hurtful in the first place?" But we all do it.

Sometimes we don't realize we're being hurt and sometimes the one hurting us doesn't realize they're causing us pain.

Sometimes people grow more selfish and stop showing up for others like they did at a previous point in time. Sometimes they only reach out when they want something from you. Sometimes people talk about people behind their backs because it's how they process their own emotions. A lot of these actions can feel divisive, manipulative and gross to the person facing the other direction and they can break trust. There are a million ways we all hurt each other, often in subtle and unintentional ways.

When I was able to start feeling other's emotions, I started eliminating energy zappers. Some friends and family relationships are effortless. Others feel like a constant struggle to try to maintain and resurrect. To walk away from these relationships felt like a gift for both of us, as I'm sure the energy zappers were feeling something similar with me. A few of the relationships were more interwoven with my life story and those were harder to shed. But time and time again of trying to keep the relationship active always led to more frustration and similar results. I found when I was finally able to truly let go with love instead of anger, it felt like the right thing to do instead of an antagonizing move filled with regret.

Sometimes we're no longer good at bringing out the best in each other. And that's ok.

These days I look inside for anything I need. I look to the little feelings we all have - the deep down instinctual source inside - to tell the truth. I've found it's magic when I pay attention. I also found that this doesn't happen a lot because I think I can think my way through things or I'm too busy to center myself. It's impossible to stay focused on your inner calling when you're focused outward.

Sometimes we can't help but become our own worst enemy. "I'm scared." "I have no idea how to move forward." "What is my purpose?" When this happens, maybe those moments are the best moments to take time to sit on a couch and just... exist.

Nicole Eversgerd

Internal Speculation - Sketch (1997)

Oil on Homemade Canvas